Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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