Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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