He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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