good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
