i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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