i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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