OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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