this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
