i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
