1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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