what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
