My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
