She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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