"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
