The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
