I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
