I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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