Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
