Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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