giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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