true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
