My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
