So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
