"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
