He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize