I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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