I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
