never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
