craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
