I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
