If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
