the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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