he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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