so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
