i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
