Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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