her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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