Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
