oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
