Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
