Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
