You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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