Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
