Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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