Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
