sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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