I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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