Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
