When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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