we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
