I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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