Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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