Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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