I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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