You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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