LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
