OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
