Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
