i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
