I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
