ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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